my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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