yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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