Just cropdusted the office
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
