I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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