drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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