you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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