Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
