Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
