I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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