he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
