What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
