Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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