why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
