Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
