Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
