This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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