Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
