I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize