My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I need to align my fucking chakras
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
