Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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