thus making me awesome and them whores
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
