Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
