you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
