I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
