mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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