Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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