new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
