you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize