I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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