Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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