There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
