sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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