just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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