What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
