so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize