The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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