Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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