I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
