so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
