I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
