Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
