If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
