So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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