I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize