got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
