i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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