Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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