I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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