Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize