she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
