Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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