just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
