Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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