He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
