I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
