oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
