apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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