why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
