I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
