I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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