i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
