I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
