Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
