He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
